As per usual, I did not write a post for this Finish The Sentence Friday crowd in time to post it when it went live last night, and decided instead to kill 12 minutes at work doing it. Yay for me, right?! Is As per usual even a real saying?
This week’s riveting sentence starter is another twofer! It’s no coincidence, I’m guessing, that they are both holiday related.
The sentences are *drum roll noise* you’re thinking about Clark Griswold about to plug in the lights now aren’t you? I am. Are you now? *drum roll noise* the sentences to be finished are either: This holiday season I will… or My favorite Christmas tradition is…
Oh, what to write about.
By this point, everybody should know what my favorite Christmas tradition is, because it’s also my favorite birthday tradition as well as my favorite Easter, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Valentine’s Day, Wednesday, opening day of the baseball season day, St. Nicholas Day, Tuesday, Martin Luther King Day, Thursday, New Year’s Eve, Kwanza Day, Election Day, Friday, Wife’s Birthday and Saturday and Sunday tradition as well.
You don’t know for real still?
Here’s a hint:
Best.Tradition.Ever
While traditions like getting hammered to make family members more tolerable are great fun, I’d rather go with the This holiday season I will… sentence instead.
Firstly, I celebrate Christmas, so that’s what I’m going to say instead of holiday season. I’m also lazy, and Christmas is shorter and easier to type than holiday season, even though I just typed holiday season again. Fuck, I did it again!
Anyway…
This Christmas I will…lie. Lie a lot.
“What?” You say. Lie on your fat ass?
No, but a Christmas nap would be awesome! I remember the last nap I had in 2003, just prior to Ace being born. It was fabulous, but that’s not how I will lie this Christmas.
In order to keep the Christmas spirit alive, I will be breaking one of the Lord’s commandments over and over again in honor of Jesus’s birthday. Is thou shall not lie even a commandment? For some reason I have it in my head that it is, but I’m not going to Google it in case I’m wrong mistaken.
Even if we chalk up the whole Santa concept as a ruse instead of a lie, there are lies that must be told to keep the ruse alive.
Santa is watching you.
You better behave or Santa won’t bring you any toys.
Santa’s elves can’t pull titanium out of their asses, dear, so they have no way to make an iPad so why don’t you ask for a stupid wooden train or something instead?
“Daddy, what are all these boxes that I keep tripping over in the foyer?” The kids will ask at some point while pointing to a pile of boxes.
Screw you, going to a store in person!
“Those are boxes.” I reply.
“We know that. That’s what we said. What’s in the boxes?” They’ll persist.
“Those are for other people, kids. We’re holding them. That’s why we just let them sit there instead of taking the goods out and putting them somewhere that would allow me to avoid this conversation altogether.”
“This one says G$ and the rest have mommy’s name on them.” Ace continues.
“Fuck! They can read now, can’t they?”
“Yes.”
“Yes what?”
“Yes, we can read. I can anyway.” Ace says.
“Fuck! That was supposed to be my inside voice,” I say to her. “Ignore that sentence as well as the one I just said, ok?”
Ace nods.
You’re pretty smooth, Don, I think to myself.
“G$ has a box from his godfather because his godfather won’t see him this Christmas since he sucks ass and probably won’t leave Washington state. The others are mommy’s uh…… stuff for her……..um, for her… thing. Her thing that she, uh…. OH LOOK, THE DOG IS LICKING HER BUTTHOLE!!” I stammer while pointing at the dog as she stares at me like I’m an idiot.
I am so totally not licking my butthole.
Then I’ll fake sneeze and make my way into the other room, far far away from the boxes that don’t have Christmas gifts for the kids in them because Santa takes care of that.
The kids will follow me and they’ll notice this prick.
Haha Don, you suck at moving me.
“Look daddy, Rocco is still in the lamp.”
“What’s your point?”
“He hasn’t moved in three days.” Ace says.
“Yeah, what’s up with that elf, dad?” Cool will chime in.
“I wanna pretzel an a milk, dadda.” G$ will say, because he likes to be included.
Ugh.
Best.Tradition.Ever
“You see kids, Rocco is an elf with magic powers, and elves have a duty to report what….hahaha, I said duty!!”
Blank stares from the kids.
Best.Tradition.Ever
“You see, Carly has been sleeping in the living room, right?”
“Right,” the little turds are on to me, I’m sure of it.
“The elves’ magic is only good for getting them to and from the North Pole and for keeping their toy making tools in….huh, ha…hahaha, I said tools!”
Blank stares from the kids.
Best.Tradition.Ever
“Anyway, if the dog sees the elf moving, then the elf must leave the body it’s in and return to the North Pole. Does that make any sense?”
“No.” They all agree. “Not a bit of sense.”
“WELL….”
Best.Tradition.Ever
“Well, the elf isn’t actually this doll that you see, right? Do you understand that? A real elf is much larger and very, very hideous to look at. They’re not really ogres, but they’re gruesome looking troll like things.”
The kids look worried now and I have no idea where this is going.
“The elf on the Hobbit movie and the Lord of the Rings isn’t ugly.” Ace says.
“Pfffft! That’s a movie, Ace. That’s make believe, dear.”
“This is real life elf shit here. Who wants to play the iPad or Wii?”
“Me me me me, they squeal.” They are once again distracted and uninterested in the truth about boxes and elves and other Christmas lies.
Alas, the boxes and probably the elf won’t be moved, however, and we’ll do this all over again tomorrow, which is Saturday. Thankfully, I have a Saturday tradition to help me cope…
Best.Tradition.Ever
Happy Holidays, all!
——————————————————————————————-This was another Finish the Sentence Friday post. Go give some love and thanks to our hostesses this week and read all the great posts:
